Lost Time
by Sheryl Nantus
Summary: Scully realizes how much she's lost to the X-Files...


All Characters copyright of TenThirteen Productions and Chris Carter. No infringement intended on any part...I like being poor, really... 

Lost Timeby Sheryl Martin 

Fox Mulder knocked again on the door, rapping harder. Slowly it opened, revealing a bleary-eyed Dana Scully; tying a robe around her pyjamas. 

Ò... Mulder?Ó 

ÒYou okay?Ó He looked at her closely. She ran a hand through her copper-coloured hair, nodding. 

ÒYah.... why?Ó 

ÒBecause itÕs almost noon - and we had a meeting with Skinner at ten.Ó She whirled around, staring at the wall clock. Mulder stepped inside the apartment, closing the door. His eyes swept the room; stopping at the prescription bottle on the table beside her couch. ÒItÕs okay, I told him you were sick.Ó Striding over, he picked it up. ÒSleeping pills?Ó 

ÒIÕve had trouble lately..Ó She took it from him, putting the bottle into her pocket. ÒIÕll be in tomorrow. Thanks for the help.Ó She walked to the door, holding it open for him. 

ÒScully...Ó Mulder pushed it shut. ÒItÕs not like you to miss a meeting. Ò He stared at her. ÒAre they that bad?Ó 

She turned away, going over to stare out the window. He watched her; seeing the tension in her body. 

ÒSome nights.Ó Scully bit her lip. ÒMore than some.Ó A sigh slipped free. ÒI just wish...Ó 

ÒScully, if itÕs that bad for you then maybe...Ó Fox couldnÕt bring himself to say the first thing that came to his mind; dropping to the second. ÒMaybe a vacation.Ó She stared at him . ÒA few days, a week. Go spend some time with your mother...Ó 

ÒGet out.Ó Dana said, firmly. Her hands trembled. Turning back to the window, she began to sob quietly. 

He came up behind her. ÒWhat... what can I do?Ó 

ÒNothing, Mulder. Nothing at all...Ó She sniffed. ÒI just want...Ó Her voice dropped to a low whisper. ÒI want my life back.Ó 

ÒWhat?Ó 

Angrily she turned to face him. ÒYou heard me.Ó 

ÒYes, I did.Ó He spread his hands. ÒBut I donÕt understand.Ó 

ÒTwo years ago I was just a FBI agent; a good agent.Ó She wiped her face hard. ÒNow I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.Ó 

ÒScully - do you want... a transfer out?Ó He swallowed hard. 

ÒNo. It wonÕt help.Ó Dana tugged at her robe. ÒIf I quit the Bureau right now; this minute, it wouldnÕt make a difference.Ó Her eyes met his, seeing the confusion in his heart. 

ÒMulder; I took an oath to protect the people of this country. And I did - through Tooms, the Arctic, the manitou... and then it happened.Ó He took a step closer, watching her. ÒSuddenly the enemy wasnÕt some mad killer, some mystery parasite - it was our own government. It came all the way back here. To my home. To me.Ó She bit her lip. ÒI used to think it wasnÕt that bad; that they would only try to scare us; threaten us off...Ó 

ÒAnd then they took you.Ó He said softly. She nodded. 

ÒAnd everything I believed; everything IÕd been taught died.Ó Dana shook inperceptively for a second. ÒIt all fell apart.Ó 

ÒScully... Dana...Ó Fox swallowed hard again. ÒI never meant to have you hurt. If I had truly known...Ó 

ÒHow do you do it? How do you cope?Ó She demanded. 

ÒI...Ó He shrugged. ÒI do what I have to.Ó 

ÒDo you know what itÕs like to have it all taken away?Ó She yelled. ÒTo have everything you believed yanked out from under you? You lost your sister, Mulder... and that was horrible. But I... I lost part of my life.Ó She began to sob again. ÒAnd IÕll never get it back...Ó Burying her face in her hands, she turned away from him. 

Awkwardly moving up closer, he watched her for a minute; uncertain what to do. Gingerly reaching out, he turned her to face him. His lower lip began to tremble as he watched her try to stop crying; to regain control. Pulling her close, he wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. 

ÒIÕm sorry... IÕm so sorry...Ó Fox softly cried into her hair; feeling her shake against him. 

They stood silently for what seemed like a lifetime. Slowly his hand ran through her hair as he listened to her crying become a series of deep breaths. Lifting his head; he gently put a hand under her chin, pulling her tear-stained face up. She sniffled, meeting his eyes. 

ÒI donÕt know what to say... I donÕt know what to do...Ó He murmured. ÒIf I could take the pain away, I would - if I could take it on myself, I would...Ó 

Dana stared into his hazel eyes, seeing the pain. ÒYou canÕt. No one can.Ó She forced a smile onto her face. ÒI canÕt even give it away.Ó A pained laugh came out. 

Fox smiled. ÒAnything you want to give away, Scully; IÕll take.Ó Her amused look make him grin. She put her head back down into his dampened shirt; relishing the warmth. He tightened his grip as he led her to the sofa. They sat together, her head resting on his chest. 

ÒSo what now?Ó She whispered. 

ÒWhat do you want to do?Ó He held his breath. 

ÒI donÕt want to leave.Ó 

ÒThe Bureau or the X-Files?Ó 

ÒBoth.Ó Or you... ÒIÕll cope. I have to.Ó Her breathing slowed. 

Fox lightly stroked her hair, a deep sigh escaping his lips. ÒDonÕt sell yourself short, Scully.Ó He said. ÒDonÕt let the bastards win - youÕre stronger than that.Ó Resting his head back on the cushions, he closed his eyes. 

ÒWe both are, Mulder. We both are...Ó She pulled away, getting to her feet. ÒItÕs not that late. Let me get into the shower and IÕll get half a day in.Ó 

ÒNeed any help?Ó His watery eyes twinkled as she paused at the bathroom door to look at him. 

ÒActually, I do.Ó She laughed as she saw his shocked face. ÒYou can make the coffee.Ó 

Shutting the door, Dana leaned against it and chuckled to herself; wiping the last of the tears from her face. ÒGotcha, Mulder...Ó Taking a deep breath, she turned on the water and began to get ready for work. 

**********************"If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats."Richard Bach -- "Illusions" 


End file.
